My final work is completed however, my soul feels no rest.
I was compelled to create works of art soon after discovering western spiritual thought. The likes of which always seem to emphasize a need for action over passiveness or internal work. I never really knew what my passion in life was and this whole idea of constant action really did not feel as fun (though I know it works for other individuals). In me, was an understanding of how our culture currently operates as a type of continual work grind. We work all day and barely have enough time for simply sitting around and enjoying ourselves. So, when I read certain works, or listened to certain people who emphasized this seemingly brutal affair, it always created a double-bind within me.
I thusly, sought to cleanse it from my spirit by getting into Game Design. The reason I chose this is because video games was nearly the only thing that brought me any kind of joy in the world, and yes, it is not often seen as a great symbol of effort or art, yet it does contain all the aspects of art within it. I find this an odd paradox that society usually shuns video games as being the lowest way to spend one’s time and at the same time it has the aspects of story-telling, painting, music, and interaction all balled up into one powerful portrayal (Of course, these portrayals are often wrought with violence, it is no different than most blockbuster movies that seem to always be an acceptable way to spend time). This of course, is a generalization, and not all people think this way. I am just noticing a thing.
Anyways, I originally went into programming in a state university and was overwhelmed by how little they wanted to explain the details of programming to me and how much they just assume I would have the basics down already. So I still had this strong belief of “needing to work for a living” within me at the time, and so I remembered a guy by the name of Jim Kramer who had (and still has) some kinda overdose stock market show on a popular financial news channel. I began reading his book on stocks, thinking I would be able to just shift some numbers around and make a living for myself. This all the while I was still in a college apartment and simply skipping all my classes while telling my roommates that I “could do all my school work on the computer”, when in fact I was just in my room playing Warhammer Online (Which was a really unfortunately fun MMO game at the time!).
After the realization that the university did me no good (except for knowing it wasn’t where I wanted to be), I had a glorious time of being as passive as I wanted. I got an apartment by myself and discovered philosophy, spirituality, and much of the dire situations in the world that needed to be solved. My joy was unbounded because I made a decision to basically not do anything except what I wanted to do. Of course, some would call this “bad habits”. I would smoke weed nearly everyday and play tons of video games when I wasn’t “educating” myself on the world. I am glad I was eventually able to quit smoking weed, and the copious amounts of video games I was playing (because any external symbols that bring joy, is good to understand as not being needed as there will be times when they are not easily accessible in life). I did find a strong sense of ecstasy while I was living by myself that I long to obtain by purely being in the internal reality. I remember I was dancing and singing nearly everyday, not even needing anyone to watch me. It was just fun to be.
This was around the time I would receive my astral visions (luminous immaterial lights and sounds in meditation and before the sleep state). My game Path of Vidya is loosely based on these enormous experiences of fear and joy (Which I thought I had to bring into the world). My consciousness was beginning to expand, and at this same time I was told by many of the “westernized spirituality” (for lack of better words) to begin to push myself out of my comfort zone and work on whatever my passion or future career would be. So I went to give college another try, this time at a community college. My income was running low and I feared I would have to earn to live (which is a bit dystopian, since it implies one doesn’t deserve to live unless they earn or achieve something).
Unfortunately (or fortunately) I wasn’t learning anything I didn’t already have the ability to learn or simply do myself. It was a repeat of my elementary and high school years where classes tended to be filled with trivia and I even had to sit through my professor playing his favorite games just so he could loosely relate it to the class at hand (which I wouldn’t have minded at all if I focused more on meditation).
My stay in community college was mostly pleasant as it was easy, and my schedule was manageable. I had to do a lot of art which made me wonder if programming really was that hard after all? During the last semester my mind space was all over the place. I was thinking, “Do I really want to do this the rest of my life?” “Sitting at some cubicle doing art design for various cookie cutter games to meet the profit demands for the yearly quota?” This and some other grave cosmic matters were haunting me. I was actually working on my final project of my Game Design class. The thesis, if you will, was to work with a team to create an original game. We had the idea to have an alchemist that threw potions at enemies with some kind of crazy alchemy abilities to boot.
This whole process made me realize how most fictional stories are often attempting to bring through reality that is not yet accepted by the mass consensus reality (“Mass consensus” being what most people believe is reality). Magic, mythical beings, and ancient civilizations with great purpose exist, yet if a video game portrays it; it is often seen as just that. A fictional video game. It was then I decided to simply drop out of my class and leave all my team members to complete the game on their own.
After some time, I had to move back in with my parents because I felt I would be saving more of my income. And I did not want to find a job working anywhere (I attempted it before and it ended with me in tears every time.) I strongly desired to meditate but, being with my parents made it seem harder. Harder still, was my father’s constant desire for me to find a career and move out. The only aspect of being in my apartment that I did not enjoy was the fact that I lived so close to my parents. Often my father would knock on my door when I would rather be sleeping or meditating, just to see if I was on the path of finding something to do. Where it didn’t really matter to him whether it was a “passion” or not, he was more concerned that I just find something to “do” for money. It reminds me of a time I was in a car with my high school friends. One of them innocently said something along the lines of “It is good to have something to do”. And I was triggered . I said “What is that suppose to mean?” because I figured my friends knew full well that I was doing nothing but sitting at my apartment playing video games all day, while they were busy doing attempting to find some kind of life work. Luckily, my friend didn’t take further offense and said “You know… because it is a good, to be doing something”.
At this, my negative belief overtook my direction as I figured I couldn’t get away with doing some kind of external work. I scrambled to reclaim my previous skills and put them to use. Knowing full well that some kind of spiritual endeavor was probably my passion, I attempted to do what I have seen many do, and that is have a Youtube channel. I made a podcast of sorts and was quickly overcome with doubt at the nature of the thing. Mostly, my thoughts were spurred at the idea of “being it until you become it”, or in the negative, “fake it until you make it”. This caused me to believe myself a fraud on numerous occasions and resulted in the deletion/recreation of my podcasdt. Which was not a great thing, because many people came on the show with hopes that my podcast would reach a lot of people and I once again just abandoned them to work it out by themselves. I happened to delete my podcast three times over before I decided I might as well keep the exhumed tomb in tact so that I can rub it down with a cloth every once and awhile, hoping no one notices my imperfections.
Along with the podcast, I wrote a book, did some animations, and created a fledgling RPG maker video game. All the while, I was positive that if I just worked long enough and created enough things, one of them would become renown enough where I wouldn’t have to think about doing anything else for a living.
It wasn’t until I created my last project, as of October 31st 2021 (I believe around the time Atlantis fell) that I came on further insight. “World Tree” is my final game project, though perhaps not my final project. It closes a chapter on the idea that I had beginning with Path of Vidya where I figured I could make the fictional seem like the reality. Frustrated with how few people finished the game, “World Tree” became a slightly more ambitious project, yet still I know it isn’t what I wanted it to be. I wanted some cultural explosion like that of Stardew Valley or Undertale, (both made by one person) but, my lack of programming skills would make that impossible. My ambition for creation within the external has to be placed on the back burner. I never was satisfied being a part of this to begin with.
The journey however, was still needed to realize balance within material endeavors. Not everyone can be a so called “influencer” (or as Civilization series aimlessly calls them, “Great People”) and be known to the world. Even the mystics who speak of the joys of not being famous and unknown are very much famous and known.
Alas! I finally realize I can go back to my more passive nature. Though now on a higher level. Haha! I still write these words, you see! For whom I wonder? It is not yet clear. I am glad I can finally focus on my meditation, which I finally realize is my passion. Passion is different for everyone, so always know that you need not let society determine how you live life, there is always ways around “earning a living”. You can do whatever you like, you can love or not love, experience what you desire to experience and know that the universe will let you know when it is time to move on.
Now my soul feels a bit more rest. I just know that now that I have cleared out my creative impulse, I can reach that next level that I was missing. I know full well meditation is another trap along my journey! But, this time I actually know I want to get ensnared within it so I can detach that copper chain of constant pleasures mixed with doubt, fear, and misery, for the golden chain of purity mixed with ecstasy (I have been able to reach this ideal, I just never know how to stay within that ideal) so once that is shrugged off, who knows how it could effect my creativity I never plan on doing again. Haha!~
Thus I write this verse!
In my conversation, I am weak
Others may find strength
In my expression, I am useless
Others may find use
When I find silence
And when sounds come and go without my dialogue
I meet the golden phoenix
Invisible to the matters of the world