XIII: Being One’s Own Self



December 21st, 2021: Society has created every avenue to repress our natural joy and background bliss through a variety of unusual outlets. The way we structured our life has forced a variety of demands on our physical nature through the horrifying injustice of having to “earn a living”. So that in a quite real sense, we tell each other that no one deserves to live, unless they find something to do that is “of use”. And of course, it is worse than that, because it is not just something “of use” but simply boils down to something that “makes money”.

While this would be enough for any normal soul to cry in anguish at the immense imposition (thus great challenge that has to be dealt with); we also have to deal with the apparent invisible energy of pressure and pain that flows through the individuals of our society. This expresses itself as anger, depression, fear, anxiety, hate, guilt and any negative outlet that one can imagine. All of which are barriers to sensing the natural enlightenment that resides within us as electromagnetic beings.

Most people can see the suffering that these emotions cause and seek to deal with them in any number of ways. For the majority, their dealings with it, is highly repressive as they drown themselves in entertainment, drugs (whether prescribed or otherwise), and consumption of all forms.

And for many this appears to be a great strategy, because the actual acknowledgment and expression of these emotions, in everyday situations, can cause people to react with strange looks, disgust, or even shame. This awkwardness is avoided at all costs in favor of quiet desperation and a stoic outward impression. Thereby, the emotions are never dealt with when they appear, and soon build up in the body as further layers of pain that outwardly express themselves as the society around us. Greed, war, violence, exploitation, and deception are all symptoms of every individual within the collective that deny the situation they dwell within in favor of political, religious or even scientific ideas that promise someone or something outside them, will fix all of their built up woes.

Of course, I find myself in the same situation as everyone else with the slight advantage of spiritual knowledge. Which allows me to be more conscious of my choices and where to transmute the energy of pain into the more preferable energy of bliss. As of right now, I am rather content sitting here drinking my tea and writing the words you are reading, yet I always understand that there are deeper states to embody. It was only moments ago that I was having a life changing conversation with the faery alchemist by the name of Nayalla.

While dialoguing with her, I found myself spontaneously crying.

To me sadness is not a favorable emotion to indulge in for very long. I find myself cutting off the energy as soon as I notice it arises. It is only now, that I realize how detrimental that can be, into dissolving the pain that surrounds it. For when sadness comes, and is experienced in its fullness, it can reverberate the energy centers of pain into a higher consciousness; only if the painful state of being isn’t fed through a narrative of thoughts about your personal pain and woe.

The insurmountable challenge with this in today’s society is that expressing these emotions are seen by the majority of individuals as wholly negative and often useless. If anyone does express their emotions in a more real way, it is often seen as random outbursts due to mental illness or insanity. Which means for the alchemist who is attempting to transmute their traumatic past, they must face a difficult decision within themselves or opt to once again repress their emotions through drugs and avoidance.

While being with Nayalla, as I write this, it was very easy to express my emotions because I am with a person who doesn’t judge me for what pain I am dealing with, though I still found myself attempting to cut it off from even expressing it from even her. It lead me to the idea of going out in the world in any situation and not holding back the energy of my reality to anyone I am with. Something that I know I could do only if I remember to be myself no matter what the circumstances happen to be.

For me, it seems that it is my tears that I hold back the most. For with other emotions, they pass by me without disturbing the way I interact with others. I remember recently speaking with one of my old friends on discord. While we were talking, he asked about the video game I was working on at the time. As I was speaking, I began to sob while pretending to keep perfect composure as I talked about my future project. In me, was an inner feeling of sadness that I simply refused to acknowledge because I knew my game would not be as fruitful as I once expected it to be. I am sure if I was simply more real and started to cry then and there, my friend would be met with an awkward situation to deal with. However, it would have been a more transformative experience, and I would further the goal of enlightening myself and giving an example to others to do the same when they need to do the same.

At an earlier time, there was an instance where I was talking to some other friends during the night, when things were calming down. I started to once again sob while speaking about my life. My friend intuitively felt that a guided meditation would help me through my pain. Little did I know, that my pain would come out in all force. My attempt to cover up my sobbing turned into the full on expression of my pent up emotions. All the pain that I refused to express in each moment that I accumulated them, came out in front of all my friends. It was good that my friends did not ridicule me or pushed away the experience because it allowed a necessary release. However, it was a rare moment of synchronicity that allowed this to occur.

For the most part of life, it seems to be nearly impossible to fully express myself in situations like this as many people would get anxiety by seeing such a display. I realized, that this has to be overcome to integrate our fragmented personalities into a single unified, and healthier state of presence. As such, society would become more transparent and less deceptive in the way we interact with each other.

Though, I know this has to be done in the moment, it still doesn’t change the overwhelming task that this poses to any individual. To express the self as authentically as possible requires the willpower to focus only on the enlightening of the body and to forgo anyone’s reaction to it.

This idea only portrays the surface level of what is needed to be fully at ease with one’s own self. During most interactions with people it seems we find ourselves behaving in a manner that makes us act in ways we believe others would like to see instead of in ways we would rather be.

For me, I find myself talking more than I need to. Placing my eyes in socially acceptable locations, and having my body act as a stone buddha, for fear of people assuming I have some sort of anxiety. This causes me to expend my energy more rapidly than if I was simply aloof and uncaring to how I was being perceived.

Again though, this can cause people around one’s self to become very uncomfortable. People often see behaviors that are out of the norm as unusual or even suspicious. Some may assume you are on drugs or require medical attention if you simply stare at a wall without talking to anyone or if you shift your body towards differing hand mudhras, and circular neck motions.

In an ideal world there would be no judgement for behaviors that do no harm except to challenge people’s assumption of what it means to be comfortable in one’s own skin, despite what the circumstances may be. To be one’s self means to be true to the energy you would prefer to exude to all. To either express what you believe will have an impact on the situation or to stay silent and in joy of the present moment as it stands with only your energetic aura to back you up.

I will continue to see how I can freely express my emotions in such a restricting world. Perhaps, it will come out of me while purchasing food from clerks, or when I am sitting quietly in a park and others happen to be by. Though, I desire strongly to transcend my inner suffering once and for all, I know that while on Earth, we are connected to the wayward direction within the collective nature of our humanity. And so, if any one of us is suffering then truly we suffer together. So it will be a long distant future before a more complete and holistic enlightenment is obtained by the majority of the population. Even so, I find that with enough awareness, the tears flow effortlessly down the stream of suffering into the greater body of joy, In this, pain can’t take hold of us. I can cry and there will be no roots.











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