Duncan Trussell At The KC Improv

I dunno, I guess I was jealous at his wisdom and stuff. So I sent him a very informative e-mail. I assume he never got it, and if he did, it was taken out of the context of the horrifying pain of reality.

And that pain is as follows…

I am vegan.

I heard on one episode he was being sponsored by some kind of meat packaging company. I thought to myself “Damn, why am I still listening to this?” I thought he was Buddhist or something. Maybe it is all subjective and everyone has their own opinion about health? Or maybe it is all objective and Satanists and Christians are basically the same exact thing. Consuming the sacrifice of an animal. I mean what’s wrong with that? It has protein. I know it can all be easily found in plants, and collagen is synthesized through vitamin C, your amino acids are intact and complete proteins are available in plants, and also there is omega 3’s in seaweed or chia seeds and all the B’s can be found in the nutritional yeast and stuff, and your allergies/distastes are all an illusion of your mind, but GODDAM… perhaps I just need all of that stuff like RIGHT THE FUG NOW. Because I am some kind of Arch-DEMON of Hellfire, here to burn across the forgotten skies of eternity, locked in some kind of BLISS chamber, designed to awaken the unenlightened sensibilities of this one guy who reads my e-mail.

At this moment I need to apologize for every ignorant thing I have just written, or have ever written, or have ever said before in my entire life. I forgive you for having to listen to me, for being me, for wanting to be like me.

But it doesn’t matter. Tibetans eat meat. Whatever, everyone does. Everywhere. Dalai Lama? They all do. It is just a thing everyone all does. And so we will continue it forever, because new strains of viruses aren’t going to ever be a thing.

I drove up to Draftcade. All the arcades were just kinda free for anyone to play. They had some sign that said you had to pay money, but I ignored that completely and played some psychedelic game called “Robotron” which I NEVER played at an arcade before. It was like I was on LSD. I had a literal experience of LSD, even though I have never tried it, and so I don’t really know and will never know because if I ever do try it, it is going to be a micro-dose and then because of that fact, someone will inevitably say “You have to take more than that to get the full experience”.

I wandered around aimlessly asking girls to play video games with me. Some were waaay younger than me. Like way too young for me to talk with them. And that was fun and awesome for a brief moment. Then I came to my senses. Oh, he is just not here. I thought I was gonna just meet him or something because I was future-famous.

Then Duncan Trussell burst onto the stage. (This happened prior to the whole arcade story by the way). And started to cast a magical spell on the audience. Of which I joined in. And then his voice deepened (a lot like a Tibetan or some kind of warlock of light codes). I then deepened my voice.

Mind you, I was the only BLESSED person doing this. It was phenomenal how magical I felt.

Then he proceeded to cure someone’s Syphilis. Which some part of me thought he kinda did. But, also I wonder if the girlfriend or wife or whatever nectar or whomever that person was with (it was so dark, I couldn’t tell). Had some kinda paranoia now that will never be healed. Some kind of deep seeded darkness like an eldritch curse cast upon her very soul. Etched in sanskrit, and glowing above her forehead.

I realized, at this point, what I have done. I called him a miracle worker.
I praised him for being a “disciple breeder” as he pronounced that a new baby girl was on the way. I kind made a little wooOOoo downer whistle when he mentioned the arrest of a United States “Pre-President”. What kind of madness and glory was this?

Everything, everywhere all at once. Please retweet this.

Mitch Horowitz because I am listening to “the Secret Teachings of All Ages” in audiobook format and it is blowing my goddam mind (and I was CERTAIN I read that all before and every other occult textbook). Though, I really wish I could heal the pain of my brachial plexus injury instead.